Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
