im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
