I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
