Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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