i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
