see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
