I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
