You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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