Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
