Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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