I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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