i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize