So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
