I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize