Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
