TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
