i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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