I think I won the penis lottery.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
