"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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