I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
