Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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