you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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