if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
