Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
