there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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