If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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