shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
sex in a hospital.. check
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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