I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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