My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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