Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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