hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
