We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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