I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
