I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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