Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize