It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
