you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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