We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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