I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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