Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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