God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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