dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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