i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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