They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize