you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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