I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
