I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
