My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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