I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
