you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Houston, we have a blender
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
