we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
