Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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