I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
