My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
