There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
