Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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