Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
