If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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