The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
