I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
