She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
