The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
