The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
