I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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