i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
