I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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