i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
