There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
