My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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