cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
