why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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