i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
