im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
