my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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