the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
